Eating My Emotions

For about a week now I’ve been eating. Eating mostly junk. Here and there. In between my healthy habits. Candy. Cookies. Ice Cream. Chips. Plastic wrapped burritos. Cheese. Wonderful cheese. And so many other things.

Just more food than usual.

And I’m not even hungry.

Or craving it.

Why?

That is what I’m curious about.

I know that when I go on these types of raids. Raids of food. It is because something is on my mind. Usually, it’s something that is making me nervous.

As I eat, I wonder what it is I’m concerned about.

My kids?
My husband?
Myself?
My mom?
People?
Life?

Normally, during the day my calorie count is low. Low enough to feel a healthy vibe.

Not during the past week. I haven’t cared so much. Yet I have. I will spend the day eating my low-cal meals only to walk into the house after work and munch on every munchable thing in sight.

I really do know that something is on my mind. But what, exactly? That, I am trying to figure out.

It will come to me. I will find the answer. I always do. And when I see the light, the extra eating will stop.

I know this for a fact. It’s happened before. And before. And before that.

Somehow, it all evens out. Healthy habits will kick back in. And life will go on.

In the meantime, I’m feeling a bit overfed.

I wish I would just bite my nails during these times of angst.

daphne

IMG_0002

Me. A young girl. In third or fourth grade. A girl scout. Loyal. True Blue. Until the day I did the unspeakable. I used my collected girl scout cookie money to purchase a pair of Vans tennis shoes.

My co-conspirator and I were walking, going door to door, dropping off pre-ordered cookies, collecting $1.oo dollar a box? money, and stuffing it into an over-sized protective envelope. The money was safe there. Until we thought we could use some. Spend it. On ourselves. Without anyone knowing. Just one pair of gotta have shoes, for each of us.

We browsed. Looked at the various colors. Simple colors. Original colors. Like black, grey, dark blue, light blue, and white. I chose not dark, but light blue. We walked out. Big smiles on our faces. New shoes on our feet.

The plan. I would tell my mom that her mom bought them for me. And she would tell her mom that my mom bought them for her. Seemed simple. Logical. No big deal.

How nice! My mom stated. I really must call. To say thank you.

Oh, no, don’t worry, I responded. I already told her.

I watched my mom count the cookie money. And then. That’s when. I knew. I had made a big mistake. Just as I was coming up with a new plan. A new explanation. My mom looked up at me. Just looked. She didn’t say a word. But I knew she knew. And boy did I feel guilty. And bad.