life

by

BOYS

IMG_1015So, there’s this kid, a nice kid, a boy, a boy’s boy, who isn’t afraid to show his feeling, you know, he’s wears his heart on his sleeve. And then there’s this other boy, an okay kid, in an okay kind of way, as long as he’s in control.

Heart boy is learning, growing, figuring out the road to follow, hoping upon hope it will lead him to a carefree, productive life. This boy full of heart, he has a mind of his own, creates his own destiny, and sees things in his own personal way. He’s him, just trying to find his own space, his own style.

Control boy, as okay as he is, worries what others think, lets the unknowns control his thoughts, behaves according to what’s cool, not to what’s not. His young heart snubs, ignores, and turns against heart boy whenever heart boy stands up for himself, doesn’t play follow-the-leader.

Heart boy is seeking friendship, true, loyal friendship, while control boy, who also seeks friends, looks for those who will follow, not someone who thinks for himself.

by

walking in the storm

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i walk for pleasure. mostly. but, i also walk to ebb any tension that’s built up within my being. tension, every day, or not every day, tension. that can take me down. if i let it.

with my shock absorbing athletic shoes on, my pockets on the rear sweats and an oversized t-shirt dangling over my frame, i head out the front door. leaving rudy behind in the kitchen cooking. fleetwood mac entertains me, energizes me, soothes me as i stroll up the wide cement steps which lead to the paved street, heading toward the hills.

my thoughts meander, take over.

sometimes, lots of times, obstacles pop up, challenging us. rudy and me.

he’s here. home with me. in california. holding my hand. feeling happy.

yet, rudy is disappointed. in himself. dissatisfied that he has yet to find a job. employment to replace the position he left behind in arkansas. i remind him that life is a process. a continuous process that should be enjoyed. he nods his head in agreement, but deep down he’s not buying it.

our conversations on the subject begin like cool weather: comfortable, breezy, with a bit of a chill. then, expectedly or not, it turns heated. overbearing. uncomfortable.

as i’m walking in the hills. walking up steep inclines. jogging down descending, winding narrow roads. i talk to myself. talk myself through my day. my life. our life. i work out my frustrations. make sense of my destiny. rudy’s destiny. our destiny. i consider my take on the world. where i fit in. where we fit in.

everything will be fine. i tell myself. because i know its true. my optimism tells me so. everything will be fine.

i walk into the house. five miles later. one and a half hours after i began my journey of reflection. rudy smiles at me. his glasses balancing on the tip of his nose. i smile. wipe the sweat off my brow. and tell him i love him. i love you too, he tells me. he’s my person. and i’m his. individually, each in our own way, and together we will weather our storm. and enjoy a world of sunshine.