dear 16

IMG_2074Being sixteen isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be so hard either. Hold your head high and toss your shoulders back. Relax your mind. Soul. And body.

Smile. Always smile.

To my sixteen year old self I write,

Believe in who you are. You don’t need to be like her. Or her. Or even her. You have as much to offer as they do. Maybe more. And what’s so bad about that girl. The one over there. The one everyone seems to be avoiding. She’s just being herself. Just wanting what we all want. Friendship. Go talk to her. She will appreciate your kindness. It’s not about popularity, but rather about integrity. So, just be you.

Speak up. Talk. It’s not hard at all. Just ask questions. People like to answer what they know. So ask them about themselves. Their life. Add to the conversation by incorporating your life stories. Your thoughts. Your feelings. Your dreams. Your desires. Your wants. They’d like to get to know you, too. They would.

Go out. Have fun. Enjoy hanging out with people. All kinds of people. From all walks of life. Stop worrying about what everyone is thinking. Who cares? No one, really.

I’m telling you, all the downs will make the ups so much more rewarding. Remember that. Life is a series of lessons. Lessons to help mold who you will become, the person you inherently believe in. A person who cares about others, about life and the passionate passion entwined in your every day life. Humor will sustain you. Being real, being true to yourself, will be a driving force. A matter of fact. And you, of all people will understand fully, truly, that anything can happen anytime. Anywhere. To anyone. So, simply enjoy your young self. Laugh a lot. Out loud. For the world to hear. To experience. And when you fall into bed each night you will know, without a doubt, that there is so much more to life than being an insecure sixteen year old girl.

The working woman. The stay-at-home mom.

IMG_0279Friday night. I’m exhausted. I’m slouched on the over-sized faded denim sofa, watching TV. My eyelids droop ever so slowly. Yet, I can’t sleep. I will need to pick up my youngest kid. Unless he calls, asking if he can spend the night. I’m a working mom. I’ve been in the classroom all week teaching. This. That. And the other.

As I readjust my slumped position, I begin to reflect on my summer life. The one I lived only a few weeks ago. My life away from the school setting. The days I was a stay-at-home mom. Oh, how I enjoyed waking up at a ridiculously late morning hour, like 7am, rather than my working hour of 5am! With coffee in hand, I’d watch recordings of Dateline, Modern Family, and Say Yes to the Dress.
When Brad would wake several hours later (if he didn’t spend the night anywhere), I’d whip up his favorite breakfast – pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, and orange juice – instead of quickly dropping a granola bar next to his cup of coffee. We’d talk. Shoot the shit. Discuss something new. Or revamp something old. Summer days. Days I truly feel connected. Devoted. Stellar. Like a mom.

I know I have the best of both worlds. Staying at home, working, engaging, and being involved is just as beneficial and rewarding as working outside the home. My family needs time with me just as I need time with myself.

And, so, I know, without a doubt, that the Friday night slump will soon pass, bringing forth renewed energy so that I can spend the evening writing up lesson plans for the following week, along with offering Brad and PB and J for dinner.

Writing.

IMG_1936

“Are you done yet, Mom? You said we will watch a movie together.”

Her son is sitting, waiting patiently.

Her face is aglow from the light of the computer.

“One minute. I just need to edit this. Make sure it makes sense. I’ve got to include all the important details,” she responds, not looking his way. “It really has surprised me how much time it takes to write one piece,” she adds, to herself.

But, then.

Finally.

She’s finished.

“Movie?” she questions.

“Yeah. But hold on. I am working on something,”  her son answers.

His eyes are focused on his laptop’s screen.

“Okay. Let me know when you are ready.”

She looks back at the desktop computer.

Opens her post.

Re-reads it for any errors.

Makes sure it’s coherent.

She finds a flaw.

Or two.

A misspelled word.

A sentence that needs a pronoun.

“Mom? I’m ready,” her son says.

“One minute. I just need to edit this,” she mumbles.

#instyle

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERAHave you ever wondered where you get your sense of style from and why you choose to dress the way you do? As of today, after reading a piece – Women & Clothes. Discuss. – in September’s issue of Glamour, I found myself considering my own personal style.

Suddenly my thoughts raced back in time.

In my mind’s image, I see four young kids. Me, the only girl, and three of my brothers, two older and one younger, looking like quadruplets. Each of us had some version of long, blond hair, angular faces and blue eyes. But the best part of that image is that the four of us were wearing blue jeans and white t-shirts.

As that youthful tomboy, I wasn’t thinking about style. I just wanted something to wear that was functional while I crawled in the dirt, navigating my way through nature-made tunnels in the local park. Or, when, on hot summer days, I’d drop down onto my hands and knees, dirtying my clothes, when inspecting trapdoor spiders.

Without realizing it then or for many years thereafter, it was those no-nonsense blue jean days that had determined the way I choose to dress.

When I became a mom and started dressing Liz, my daughter, I began incorporating the concept of layering cotton shirts and blouses, not only for her, but for myself also, giving our outfits a more creative look. While she was dressed up in layers of colorful concoctions mixed with her personal style of pretty headbands and interesting necklaces, I preferred, and still do, simple layering of two or three different pieces of clothing over my jeans. Different colors. Different prints. As Liz grew, adapting her own style, she too maintained the layered look, only she preferred to add a touch of interest by using unique accessories and standout stylish shoes.

The clothing I wear, the clothing we all wear, tells our story. Mine is that I am a simple person, a person who lives one day at a time, not taking anything for granted, instead living, as best as I can, a positive, carefree, no-nonsense life style.

And so it is, today, the here and now, that when asked where I get my style from, not only does it come from my youth, being a tomboy, from the simplistic look of jeans and a t-shirt, but I also look to Liz, who has perfected a style that I adore, a style that is all the rage, a style I will continue to wear regardless of a season’s must-do, or don’t.

an unexpected date

IMG_4835Well now, so it seems, I have a date this evening, with Rudy. We’re not dressing up, nor do we have reservations anywhere fancy-shmancy. Nope, just us, me and him. Here. At home. Watching a movie. Eating pizza.

Here’s the thing.

Rudy and I don’t date. Not really. We both get caught up in everyday life and tend to take our relationship for granted. The fact that we are here. In this house. Together. Every day. All the time. And presumably always will be. Has become second nature that sometimes we forget the importance of relating as a couple because we are so accustomed to simply living as two people sharing a life and a home together. As roommates might.

So, when Rudy sauntered into the room and asked me if I’d like to spend the evening with him I couldn’t resist the feeling of traveling back in time, when we were young and held the world in our hands. Without constraints or obstacles. During a time when a date was the most important thing we could do. To draw us closer. To bound us as one. So that we could fall in love. And feel happy.

A Boy. A Teen. A Birthday.

IMG_3021Those of you with teens know how it is, people exclaiming how hard life must be raising a kid within the realm of disobedience, rebellion, and all together a know-it-all attitude. A kid who doesn’t care about much, except themselves.

Well, I am here to say: Not in my household, not with my kid.

(Ok, ok, I admit nobody is perfect, there are days…… but today’s writing isn’t about that.)

Because today I celebrate Bradford Ramon Antonio. Today, he turns 15 years old.

Brad defies the term of what many people describe a teenager to be.

He is very conscientious, well-mannered, respectful, helpful, polite, inquisitive, and very aware. He’s a conversationalist, open to any discussion. Brad talks about his day, his life, his dreams, desires, and overall hopes about not only his future but the future of our world.

I am his mom.

And I am here to report.

Brad isn’t simply a teenager. He’s much more than that. His voice is as valid as mine. His perspective on life is his own. And like any teen, he simply wants respect, to feel valued and heard. To know that he is surrounded by love. Love of family, friends, and a joyful life. He wants to believe that when he falls there will always be someone to help him up.

Brad is a boy. Mentally and physically working his way through his teen years. Learning. Trying. Expressing. Enjoying. Succeeding.

And so today, today is the day, to say,

Happy Birthday, to the one and only, Bradford Ramon Antonio!

gone are the days

f7804-img_1469

 

 

 

Long ago, way before kids entered my world, before I became a mom, I actually drank.

Beer.

Cocktails.

You know, that kind of antidote.

Enough so that I got drunk.

Fun drunk.

Talkative drunk.

Wobbly drunk.

Dumb drunk.

And even sometimes what-the-heck-did-I-do drunk.

Oh, boy, were those the days. I actually knew how to salsa on those drink-filled nights.

Rudy would take me into towns were the music blared and the people laughed.

Talking wasn’t necessary, only the gyrating movements of our bodies.

I’d grasp my hair, pulling it up off my sweating shoulders, slow my pace, rock my hips to and fro, if only for a moment, so that I could take a swig of the drink that was passed my way.

Long Island Iced Tea.

Later, we’d come home, and fall face first onto the bed.

Carefree.

Wild.

And young.

 

 

tea and toast

IMG_4756When I was younger, I remember whenever I didn’t feel well, was sick in bed without the want to get up, with the blankets wrapped tightly around my sore noggin, and generally lacking the desire to eat, my mom, and sometimes my sister, would offer me a cup of hot tea and some buttered toast to soothe and nourish my aches and pains.

I loved those moments. Well, yeah, sans the sick part, of course, but everything about the love that came with the tea and toast. A gesture that held an abundance of meaning. One that I carried with me throughout my days, held onto to it, knowing that some day I’d get the chance to Pay It Forward.

One day Rudy and I met. A month or so later we were dating, in a very serious way. Within weeks, he was uncharacteristically ill. He had called me to say he wouldn’t be able to go out that evening. I told him I’d be right over. I found him stretched out on the couch he shared with his roommates. His dark-skinned cheeks were blushing from a fever. And he had no energy to move. I watered down a wash cloth with cold water, folded it onto his forehead, cooled him down.

And then. I made him a cup of tea and a slice of buttered toast.

He didn’t drink or eat my offerings, only because he really just wanted to sleep. And sleep he did. I waited until he woke again then made a fresh cup of tea and a new slice of buttered toast. “Thanks,” he whispered, his voice sounding hoarse.

Years later, when I was feeling out-of-sorts, Rudy walked into the bedroom, bringing in a cup of tea and buttered toast. “Paying it Forward,” he smiled.

Immigrant

IMG_5573Rudy was nineteen years old when he left Honduras and came to the United States for the first time. His dad had died a few years before and though he had no real reason to leave his homeland, and especially his mom, he knew the time had come for him to be proactive about his own future. Conversations began with a sister of his who was living in Shreveport, Louisiana, and very much willing to greet Rudy with open arms. Thus began the process of applying for a Passport and a Visa, which would allow him to travel out of the country. A month or so later, before boarding his flight, mom and son embraced, each feeling the weight of a heavy heart.

The Visa, stamped into his Passport, would expire four years from the issue date. But, within the four years he was only able to travel back and forth to the states in six month intervals. Meaning, he could not stay in the United States for the total duration of those four years, but rather use the Passport and Visa as traveling documents. After about five and a half months of living in Shreveport, Rudy decided he wanted to visit some friends in California for a few weeks, before heading back to Honduras. His sister helped him apply for an extension on his Visa, which would allow him to continue his travels until he heard back from them, either yes or no. Aside from filling out paperwork, Rudy was asked to send a copy of both his Passport and Visa and the original Immigrant Declaration declaring he was legally allowed to travel. All good, but also worrisome. Rudy was worried that without the mandatory Declaration to speak for him, if for some reason someone questioned him, he wouldn’t know how to explain himself. You see, his English skills were basic, at best.

Not to be deterred, Rudy boarded a greyhound bus bound for Orange County, California. At the immigrant checkpoint in El Paso, Texas, an authority figure walked up and down the aisle asking random people for some type of documentation. Passports, Licenses, ID’s and such. Two guys were taken off the bus, never to return. After that, the man-in-charge waved the driver on. Rudy felt relief, figured he’d make it through, no problem. Little did he know, he still had San Clemente’s checkpoint to conquer. But, because he wasn’t aware of what was going to happen, he slept sweetly.

“Excuse me, Sir?” he heard a voice say, loudly, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Sí,” Rudy answered nervously. He was asked to show his documents. He gulped, cast his eyes down towards his lap. Not because he was doing anything wrong or illegal, but because he was trying to figure out how to explain why he didn’t have his Immigrant Declaration paper. Rudy’s speech stumbled. Hand signals and basic words were how he communicated. But this didn’t help as he tried to explain himself to the officer. So, the authority figure waved his hand in a follow-me motion. Outside, in a small tollbooth-like office, a Spanish-speaking translator listened as Rudy told him about the extension for his Visa. There was no computer to check the validity of his story nor were there cell phones to make a quick call. But, maybe it was Rudy’s demeanor and honest tone, because the official cleared everything, believed he was in the process of extending his Visa, and wished him “Good Luck” in Southern California.

Shortly after he arrived to my birthplace, Rudy and I met, and began to have serious feelings for each other. Soon after that he got a call from his sister stating she had received an answer to his request for an extension. “They denied it,” she told him. And then, Rudy told me the truth. That he was no longer legal in the United States. Not surprisingly, I honestly didn’t care. In my opinion, in those early days, I felt immediately that Rudy was an honest and loyal person. And I completely trusted him when he told me I meant a lot to him. And, anyway, at that point, it was the romance that meant everything.

One day, as we were driving to my brother’s house down south, Rudy noticed the very familiar San Clemente checkpoint. He stared at those officers scanning cars, looking for people entering California illegally. He swallowed hard, just as I realized I had made the mistake of thinking my brother lived further north of the checkpoint. Rudy spent most of the visit taming his nervous ticks. But, luck was on his (our) side. He now jokes that it was my blond hair and my cute ’67 yellow Volkswagen Bug that allowed us to sail right through the span of immigration officers, without a second thought. We married about a year and a half later, not because getting him an Alien Resident card was our priority, which was a definite plus, but because we knew we were meant to spend our lives together.

Seven years ago, after we had been married for twenty-one years, with the encouragement of myself and our children, Rudy finally became a US citizen.

 

Ernesto “Che” Guevara and San

signature of Guevara,Che.svgHave you ever been sitting around just chatting with someone and the conversation goes off into various directions? I bet it’s happened to you more often than not. And when you have these kinds of conversations, do they usually start off with one subject and end in a completely different mode of thought? You know, like you might be talking about the walk you just took and end the drawn-out conversation about a revolution? Well, that is exactly what happened this afternoon, upon my arrival home, after exercising my way through the local hills. Rudy and I casually began our conversation with “Man, the blister on my toe is killing me!” into “Seriously, Che Guevara gave him his freedom?”

Well now, Ernesto “Che” Guevara is one of the most controversial figures of the 20th century, one of the few men trusted by Fidel Castro. Lots of people think he’s pretty awesome, especially those in Cuba. So much so, that his face is on the 3-peso note. His admirers are all about the fact that he stood for freedom from imperialism. And he was one idealistic dude. I mean, really, the guy had a love for the common man. Sadly for him, and his followers, Che died for his beliefs.
Yet, on the other hand, there are a ton more people that despise him. Che was a murderer, overseeing the execution of Batista supporters. His critics say he failed in representing the communist ideology and had a hand in ruining the Cuban economy. They weren’t spilling any tears when word spread that Che had been executed, having been shot by a sergeant in the Bolivian Army.

There is a ton of information out there about Ernesto “Che” Guevara, none of which I had ever even heard about. I admit it. I have been clueless about this guy and where he stood in society. There is even an award winning movie, The Motorcycle Diaries, from 2004, based on a book he wrote about his travels through South America. Which is at odds with the fact I have heard so much about Fidel Castro.

Anyway, this guy’s name, Che Guevara, came to my attention, for the first time ever today, when Rudy happened to mention San, a gentleman that he was acquainted with several plus years ago. San claimed that Che gave him his freedom from Cuba. That one day, while at work as an engineer, Che, who had been told that San was a brainiac, stopped by, unexpectedly and asked – or told – San to do something with something, about something. Something that somehow involved Fidel Castro. (Yep. That’s the best description I have of what San was asked to do. Weak, I know). “If you help me, I’ll help you. I will buy your freedom,” he allegedly stated. Well, of course, San conceded, and therefore, true to Che’s word, San was quietly and quickly given papers, shipped out of Cuba, and began a new life in the USA.

Even though the information is hearsay, I believe what San told Rudy. Which means I also believe that this tiny piece of nugget is one part of a much bigger story. One I wish I had access to. I mean, come on, if I had San’s whole life story, including his interaction with Ernesto “Che” Guevara, I could write a really cool story. I am sure I could. I’d write about the life of an ordinary man, intersecting with a powerful one, and how his freedom was given for completing… something.

San? Are you out there?